Finding My Sparkle Again (One Self Portrait at a Time)

I am always telling ladies to get in front of my camera.

I tell them they are beautiful exactly as they are, and that they don't need to lose weight first and that growth happens when we're out of our comfort zone!!!

But I wasn't taking my own advice, I was avoiding getting in front of the camera every chance I got, I had every excuse you could think of: I didn't have anything to wear, I didn't have time, it was too much work, I didn't feel pretty enough, I'd just do it next month, and so on.

These are the exact same things I hear from women all the time before they book a boudoir session, so I get it!!!

Last year a photog friend of mine and I decided we were going to start taking monthly selfies to help us on our own self love. We started off strong, then life happened and by month five we had both completely fallen off.

This year I wanted to try again, but I also knew I needed accountability and as an admin of BouDIY, a community of almost 13,000 boudoir photographers from all over the world, so I figured if I got others in on it with me, I couldn't quit.

And guess what, that's exactly what I needed!!! Every month we have a new theme, and I LOVE it!!! I love thinking of cool ideas, shopping for outfits and props, and all that fun stuff.

Everyone assumes the scary part is taking the pictures, but that wasn't the case for me, the scary part was posting them!!! Once you hit "Post," there's no taking it back. Now thousands of photographers from all over the world can see my work, my ideas, my body, my "imperfections" and that's intimidating as FUCK!!!!

I had imposter syndrome because I would think, am I a good enough photographer? Are they going to judge my work? Are they going to think my ideas aren't creative enough? ANDDD Then there's the other side of it, the confidence side. I still have body image issues, and I still have insecurities,

Just because I sell confidence doesn't mean I don't have my own stuff to work through sometimes, but here's the beautiful thing about BouDIY, it's a safe space where we share ideas, tips, tricks, brainstorm, and most of all we celebrate each other!! The encouragement has been incredible, and seeing everyone else's ideas has pushed me creatively in ways I wasn't expecting.

Last year I got so stuck in the business mindset, everything became emails, SEO, social media, marketing and all the things that come with running a business. I wasn't walking through a store thinking, "Oh, I could build a set around this." I wasn't dreaming up crazy concepts just because they sounded fun.

Everything became about "Will this book clients?", "What about stats and algorithm?" I don't think I lost my creativity, I think I just buried it under a really long to do list, and Selfie Club changed that!!

Now every month I get excited when we pick the next theme because my brain immediately starts spinning, how can I make this different? What can I build? What story do I want to tell? Plus I LOVE SHOPPING!!

That creative spark that I thought I'd lost, it was still there, it just needed a reason to come back out.

I was actually a really confident teenager, which is kind of crazy when I think about some of the things I experienced growing up. I was fat, yes, I said it, fat!! I am not meaning it as an insult, it's simply a description, just like saying I have brown hair.

I was fat but yet, I still felt confident. Growing up wasn't easy, my dad nicknamed me "Lard Ass." My brothers had something they called the "Double Chin Lock," where they'd grab my chin, and pinch it as hard as they could.

If you've ever been teased about your body, you know those things stick with you. Looking back, those experiences should have destroyed my confidence but oddly enough, it didn't!!! Teenage me still thought I was beautiful, I still felt sexy, I took up space, I didn't need permission to love myself.

It wasn't until I got married, had my son, gained weight, got stretch marks, developed a skin condition after having him, and spent years taking care of everyone else that my confidence really started to disappear.

I spent fifteen years trying to find my way back, not back to being that confident teen, I don't want confidence that comes from outside validation. Back then, I had guys all over me, so of course that made it easy to feel confident. BUT the confidence I'm building now feels totally different because it doesn't come from someone else telling me I'm beautiful, it comes from believing it myself. (OOOoooOOO that felt good to say!!!)

Five years ago my husband and I renewed our wedding vows in Florida for our fifteenth anniversary, and for the first time in my life I wore a two-piece bathing suit and that moment changed something inside of me!! Not because I suddenly loved every inch of my body, but because I stopped caring what others thought and wanted to live my best life, FINALLY for me and not for everyone else.

That was the beginning of my self-love journey, and just like any journey, there have been twists, turns, setbacks, and victories but, confidence isn't something you find one day and keep it forever, it's something that you have to keep choosing over and over again.

This month's theme is Freedom, and I'm still trying to figuring out exactly what that means to me, freedom from the opinions of other people, freedom from perfection, freedom from the stories I've told myself for years, or perhaps freedom from a bra?

These monthly selfies have become so much more than a photography project, they've become time that I intentionally set aside for myself, which is something new to me.

Now I make time to create, to connect with my femininity, time to step outside my comfort zone, and remind myself that I am a baddie!! It has allowed me to reconnect with myself, the creative, the confident one, the one who believes she's beautiful, the one who sparkles!!

The more sessions I did the more it reminded why I love boudoir so much, it has never really been about lingerie, looking sexy, or pretty pictures (although that is nice), it's always been so much more than that for me.

It's watching women remember who the FUCK they are, watching them walk into my studio convinced they're not photogenic, too old, too fat, too scarred, too whatever, and then watching them leave standing a little taller, smiling a little bigger, and finally seeing themselves differently.

Because that's exactly what this project has done for me, it reminded me that my sparkle was never gone, it was just buried underneath responsibilities, self-doubt, and years of putting everyone else first.

Sometimes we don't need to become someone new, sometimes we just need to find our way back to ourselves.

Selfie club has reminded me that creativity isn't something you lose forever, and that confidence isn't built by hiding from the camera, it's built by stepping in front of it. It reminded me that growth doesn't happen because we suddenly wake up fearless, it happens because we choose to show up even when we're scared.

And the fact that we're halfway through the year makes me really excited!!!!

I can't wait to see what the next themes inspire me to create, to see what crazy ideas I come up with over the next few months. But more than any thing, I'm excited to see where I am by the end of the year.

Will I love every single thing about myself? Probably not. Will I still have insecurities? Probably! But I know I'll be a braver than I was in January, more confident, more creative, a little more willing to take up space, and maybe that's the whole point, not to become a completely different person but to realize just how far I've come.

Here's to the rest of the year, trying new things, doing the uncomfortable stuff, making time for ourselves, and here's to finding a little more of our sparkle along the way.

-Crystal

2 Comments

Jul 20, 2026, 10:03:00 AM

Crystal Rodriguez - Thank you so much for your kind words, Bernetta you are such a light and I am so thankful to have you as part of the community!!

Jul 16, 2026, 2:59:14 PM

Bernetta - I love you and I love what you do for your community..... you have no idea !!!

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